Humility vs. Ambition

Is it possible to balance an ancient virtue in a world of self-promotion?

I recently was interviewed about humility on the Hidden Brain podcast. I relished the opportunity to share about my book, Humble, and discuss more than a decade worth of research on humility. But what value does an ancient virtue have in a modern world, where self-promotion and narcissism are richly rewarded? Turns out, quite a bit. 

The academic research is clear: humility helps people form, repair, and enhance their relationships. We prefer humble dating partners to arrogant ones, and humility helps us navigate the inevitable stress of relationships and conflict. It can help us be more tolerant of people who are different, and even improves therapy sessions. In short, humility is a key ingredient to healthy relationships.

For all the research I know, share, and teach, I still struggle to put this into practice. On the Hidden Brain, I talk about the challenges of humility in my closest relationships:

“This reporter was covering some of my recent research on humility within romantic relationships…she said, ‘You know, would you mind asking your wife how humble you are?’ I'm so excited to go collect the data and prove to the reporter and the rest of the world that obviously someone who studies humility must be extremely humble. So I come upstairs from this interview from the basement, and I say, ‘Sara, on a scale of 1 to 10, how humble would you rate me?’ And she says, 1 to 10, I think I'd rate you a 4.”

Humility is hard work. It takes practice. But it has incredible value. We also know that ambition, with self-promotion, often paves the way to achievement. In a world designed to reward those who promote themselves and master the art of effective “branding,” is humility more of a liability than an asset? 

Some more recent work has begun to highlight the limitations of humility. In one study, my students and I found that holding core beliefs about deep, existential issues with humility undermines our well-being. If we’re too open and willing to revise something as critical as our belief about what happens to us after we die, it erodes our confidence and opens us up to anxiety. Certainty and security are appealing.

Another line of work was led by one of my bright undergraduates. While working in our lab, she argued that women face the burden of a double-bind. They are unfairly expected to be humbler than men and are punished when they aren’t. Her brilliant idea turned into a senior thesis, which later became a highly valuable publication. As she predicted, women are seen as more arrogant (mostly by men) when they share about their accomplishments to the same degree as other men. Put differently, women pay an arrogance penalty that men don’t. Humility can be especially costly for women. 

So should we all set aside humility in endeavors like work and ambition? 

The evidence suggests otherwise. For men and women alike, research has shown that humble leaders are more likely to have productive and creative teams, healthier and happier followers, and better organizational outcomes. In one study, our team found that humble (vs. arrogant) leaders elicited greater willingness to donate to their organizations. The reason? People trust them far more.

The value of humility in a world of self-promotion remains real, but not without balance, and not without considering the costs. 

Most basically, humility is being the “right size” for each situation. For many (maybe most), this means downsizing self-promotion to be appropriately modest, opening space for others–making room for healthier and happier followers. But for others, especially those marginalized or lacking in power and privilege, it means sizing up, embracing a well-earned confidence. The key is knowing how we show up, and what kind of correction we need. And critically, it means inviting input about our “right size” and how humble we are. But, we have to be open to hear that feedback.  

At one point in the podcast, I reflect on Sara giving me feedback on where I actually stood in my own humility. She clarified why she rated me as a 4 out of 10. And though it was fully justified, it was hard to hear at the moment.

“So looking back, four was probably a pretty gracious and compassionate response. It was probably higher than I deserved at the moment…It was still lost on me. Even as she's painting me this picture, I still am trying to marshal my defense for, ‘Well, on average, aren't I a humble guy? Don't I usually take your feedback? Don't I usually listen to you?’ And her blood is boiling because she said, ‘You're literally not listening to me right now. I'm giving you feedback and you're not being responsive. You're responding defensively, if anything. You're confirming that you're a four.’”

We need honest people in our lives to help us know how and where we need to grow. But when they speak, we need to listen. Otherwise, our insecurity and defensiveness will entrench us further in arrogance. 

After all, the evidence shows that humility can be liberating. Originating from a source of psychological security, it empowers us to pursue bold, ambitious ideas and goals precisely because we’re unfettered by the dogged need for the approval of others. We know that we’re loved, worthy, and valuable, just as we are. We avoid misplacing our sense of self in the hands of others or in our fleeting accomplishments. When you’re not ensnared by the traps of a narcissistic world, you’re free to pursue ambitious endeavors that make the world a better place. In the end, humility feeds ambition, and ambition requires humility. They are not enemies, but allies.